It was more of the, “why would someone want to be with me forever” category. When i get rejected or somebody doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings i never actually get down on myself. I kinda just shrug it off and say, thats cool, i get it, and move on. Because i know what my flaws are. I know what i can give and i know what i’m capable of providing at the moment and it really isn’t that much and i don’t see that changing anytime soon.
Lately i hate writing about these kind of topics. Everyone tends to reply with advice i don’t want, advice i’ve already heard, or advice in general knowing they have no fucking clue who i am. You’re not me, i’m not you. We don’t love the same, we don’t date the same, we don’t carry on in relationships the same. What you have gone/will go through has nothing to do with me and what i will have to go/or have gone through. I would say you can hold your advice to yourself, but nobody listens to me anyways, someone will always feel the need to throw two cents from a soap box at me. Here, I’ll hold my cup out for you.
I just don’t get people. Actually, i just don’t understand me with other people. Nothing is clicking, or maybe i’m just not willing to click. Relationships require a lot of things from a person and i believe i’m too selfish in my own life to willingly give myself freely like that. I have a lot of responsibilities in my life and i feel like all of us as a whole are a bunch of fix-er-uppers, myself especially. Nobody likes sleeping next to the bathroom with the leaky faucet. And after awhile, you are going to have to get that roof looked at. No one comes brand spanking new, and if they do, i’m pretty sure its a lemon.
Maybe its because i have a lot of things to fix with myself and life in general that i don’t want to burden someone else with them as well. Like, i’m constantly trying to save other people from myself. “You don’t want to date me or have me as your girlfriend because i even exhaust myself. Don’t do that to yourself”. I mean, eventually this will all change, i’ll change. That’s why i don’t believe i’ll be alone forever, i think thats a bit dramatic. I just believe i’m going to be single for quite some time until someone tells me to sit the fuck down and chill out because they can handle it. I’m the strongest person i know, and even i can’t handle it most of the time.
it’s like she’s sitting in the middle of my brain, at a desk, recording all of my thoughts on a typewriter for the world to see. (i bolded the line that made me yell, IT’S LIKE I WROTE THIS, and then my neighbors banged on the wall to hush me)