I believe it right now. Give me time; something else will happen. But at least right now I can keep telling myself: He has faith in me. That counts for something.
I don’t want to get a teaching job right now because I don’t want to sign a three year contract. I want to get money and get the hell out of Jacksonville and three years feels like a death sentence.
I also want to have time to be a bum and not go all ‘real world’ the second I graduate from college. I want to get a tattoo. I want to dye my hair unnatural colors. I want to make mistakes and drive up some debt. I want to be a rebel, goddamn it.
The only two people I have told this to are Lauren and Amanda. Now the world of Tumblr knows. Jeremy, who it affects most, has no idea how I feel and I probably won’t ever tell him.
So I am filling out a teaching application for Saint Johns county and hoping that they just ignore me. So I can at least say, “well, I tried what else can you do?”
To counter Jeanne’s admission, I have one of my own.
I think I am going to apply to graduate school. The only person I have said anything about it to is my mother, and I only mentioned it this afternoon. For a while, I have refused to even think about grad school. I hate my current school. I am not doing well as a student. I want to be done there. Going from my current place to another, more difficult, more expensive level of academia just… shouldn’t be.
The thing is… I want a master’s degree. I’ve come to realize, through discussions with my counselor and with my mother, that I am not spending enough time thinking about what I want to do. I’m too concerned with what I need to do. I’ve always been too practical, and that practicality has continually come to bite me in the ass. Getting my master’s is absolutely… not practical. It is probably the most impractical thing for me to even be thinking about. But… for reasons I can’t quite explain, I just want to get a master’s degree. I don’t know what degree I want, where I want to get it from, how I would pay for it, where I would live… All I know is I want to get one. And I think my mother might be right when she says it’s time for me to stop doing the practical thing and just do what I want to do.
It’s scary. I don’t know how it could possibly work. But, you know… I’m learning that we always find a way. And if this is something I really decide I want to do, I need to just do it.
I am 22 today.
I keep thinking about the future, about the conversation I had with Bob this weekend, about all the stuff going on with Al these days and all the stuff that’s happening with Meaux and with all Al’s boys, about Japan and home, about counseling, about myself.
I’m not happy. Fear and insecurity are the prevailing emotions these days. I wish I knew what to do about that.
Happy birthday to me, right?
This just made my morning. It IS, isn’t it? I’d forgotten what that was like…
Al is all moved. I am so relieved. He promises he’s not moving again for a year. I don’t mind helping; I really don’t. But goodness, I am tired.
I had my first appointment at the UNF Counseling Center on Thursday, and it was really good. I’m kind of excited about getting into it. I have some homework to do, and I need to work on that. The woman pegged me on a few things during that initial meeting, and she really brought my distance issues to my attention. I knew I had some, but I didn’t realize how severe they were. I’ve got to work on that. I have a lot to work on.
Vacation Bible School is next week (15-19) at the church; work is, therefore, totally insane. My sister and I will be leading a group of 5 year olds that week. I’m pretty excited about that, too. We’ve never done such a young group before, and I know some of the kids in this group, and they’re absolutely adorable. It should be a good week, but it’s always exhausting, too.
I’ve been so busy, but I think that’s really all there is to report right now. Most of my time, especially during the past week, has been spent helping Al move. And I’ve only been back in Jacksonville for two weeks. It feels like so much longer. Can I go back to Japan yet? I miss Hakone. I think I might have left part of my heart there.
New York Assemblywoman Deborah Glick eloquently writes in a letter to the editor in today’s Times:
To the Editor:
“Doctor’s Killer, Some Say, Is Not Alone in the Blame” (news article, June 2): Bill O’Reilly’s statements exemplify the zealotry that infects too many in the anti-abortion movement, as well as highlight why President Obama’s call for finding common ground on abortion is so misguided.
I would remind the president that this country already found common ground on abortion in 1973, when the Supreme Court decided Roe v. Wade. That compromise is between the right of individuals to determine their own reproductive destinies and the interests of the state. It is settled law for all but the most determined opponents.
The simple truth that the president must realize is that these zealots don’t want common ground on abortion: they are committed and determined to end reproductive freedom in all its forms.
Deborah J. Glick
New York Assemblywoman, 66th Dist.
New York, June 2, 2009
Only to be surpassed, and quite a feat at that, with some Jesuit brand wisdom by Daniel C. Maguire, professor of moral theology at Marquette University:
To the Editor:
The killing of Dr. George R. Tiller is not dissonant to the broader American culture. It was a very American murder, very reflective of national policy where torture is seen as a strategic necessity and the bullet as the final arbiter.
Because he was faithful to the law that gives women the right to choose abortion for problem pregnancies, he, his family and his medical staff were for years tortured, even bombed, and then he was murdered. We have more to mourn than the death of this brave man.
Daniel C. Maguire
Milwaukee, June 1, 2009